Mysteries of the Flash and other stories
by Skip Sandwich
Summary: A series of whimsical one-shots. Read if you enjoy blatant fourth-wall breaking, overuse of figurative language and general strangeness.


Disclaimer: I do not own Nintendo.

Special thanks to Psychic Karate for coming up with this "amazing" idea!

Note: Kirby is completely and ridiculously out of character in this chapter.

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Though Kirby's stomach was empty, his mind was full. It churned and danced and raged with questions.

"But one question in particular," he said to no one in particular. He noticed Falco giving him an odd look from across the room, but it didn't matter. He didn't care. He was Kirby, the legendary puffball, and he would get to the bottom of the mystery.

Yes. The mystery. The one mystery that dominated his life, that kept him awake when he meant to be asleep. A mystery so boggling, so important and yet so elusive - it made him pause and wonder even while he ate.

And today, he promised himself, he would uncover the mystery once and for all. He would bravely venture into the unknown depths of the unanswered question, and come back with his arms full. He pictured his discovery of the answer as a moment of unadulterated joy, of astonished and adoring crowds, of confetti and orchestra music.

And so Kirby edged toward the boy with a notebook in his stubby arms and the question still burning in his head.

"What do you want, Kirby?" asked the boy, Ness, in an exasperated way.

"Answers," whispered Kirby. His eyes were wide and conspiratorial. He swiveled his head and surveyed the room for a moment, then leaned closer to Ness. His voice was like the suspicious rustle of leaves in an afternoon wind. "I want an answer to a question I've wondered about for so long."

"Okay, whatever," Ness said. "What is it?"

"Ness..." Kirby began. But the words didn't feel quite right. Suddenly he wished that he had rehearsed his asking of the question. He tried again. "I've been wondering, Ness, about -" That didn't feel right either. He needed more drama. "So, Ness, we finally meet to-"

"Come on, Kirby, spit it out," said Ness without interest.

"I WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING!" screamed Kirby in a sudden burst of energized fury. "Your neutral special move, Ness! YOUR NEUTRAL SPECIAL MOVE! What's it called? What are you saying as you do it? WHAT ARE YOU SAYING? PK FROST, PK PULSE?!" Abruptly he grabbed at Ness's collar and croaked, "No one can tell, Ness. It's a mystery, and it's haunted me for so long. I just want to know."

Ness's hands shook. "It's called PK Flash," he squeaked. "I... I j-just have an accent, that's all..."

There was silence. Kirby's eyes bore into the wall. He let go of Ness and stood there, limp like rubber. He breathed heavily and wordlessly; a great weight had vanished from his shoulders, but it was too surprising, too sudden, and Kirby felt lost without it.

"I didn't think the answer would be so simple..." muttered Kirby.

"Um," said Falco, whom this narrator mentioned in the second paragraph and then rudely overlooked. "I'm still here, you know."

Kirby paid him no attention. The pink puffball's eyes were still trained upon the opposite wall. "The answer," he murmured. "I can't believe it." He opened his notebook and wrote something down. "I can't believe it."

Ness edged closer to the door, his hands held defensively up to his face. "Yeah, Kirby, yeah..."

"Ness!" Kirby focused on Ness again. He had realized something, and the new idea coated his brain circuits like a poisonous slime. "How can I tell... How can I make sure you're telling the truth, huh?"

Ness continued backing away. "Listen, Kirby, you're completely out of character at the moment, you don't understand -"

"I HAVE TO BE CAREFUL!" screamed Kirby. He sucked in a large breath. "This is too important for me not to be careful." Another breath. Ness's sneaker soles dragged upon the floor as he fought the inevitable. "Are you lying? How can I tell? How can I-"

A grotesque noise filled the room, as if someone had corked a vast wine bottle. Kirby's eyes were as bloated as his belly; they stared about the room, astonished.

Kirby spat out Ness. The boy tumbled to the ground.

"Gee," said Kirby. "That was strange. I feel different. There's something on my head."

"It's a hat," squeaked Ness. He ran out of the room and his words trailed behind him.

"A hat," said Kirby to himself. "I've just copied Ness." Kirby smiled briefly, and there was no menace behind his smile, no lunacy. He seemed to be recovering from his out-of-character bout.

"That... was really weird," said Falco.

Kirby paid him no mind. He raised his stubby arms and concentrated. The tip of his new hat quivered as he shouted, the words high and clear:

"PK FLASH!"

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UNRELATED BONUS EPISODE:

(Note: Thanks to Psychic Karate again for this equally "amazing" idea.)

The sweet feeling of relief wrapped around Ness like a security blanket. The red-capped boy walked a worn path outside Smash Mansion with a smile on his face. He was so glad to have gotten away from Kirby, that crazy puffball. He hoped Kirby wouldn't stay out of character for the rest of his life. That would be horrible, thought Ness. But hey, everyone has spells of out-of-character-ness, right? At least everyone I know. Fanfiction wouldn't be the same without it - wait, what?

He stopped in his tracks. Fanfiction? What the heck was that? Wherever did he get _that_ idea?

Suddenly Ness became sure that he had just realized something profound and very life-changing. Something that all the Smashers, he was sure, should know about. Fanfiction, huh. If only I knew what that was, then I could tell everyone, and the reaction's gonna be huge -

Lost in thought, Ness tripped over a rock and toppled over.

"Darn it," said Ness. He tried to get up. He tried and tried. His head, which was roughly the same size as the rest of his body, always got in the way. "Darn it, darn it," said Ness again. "Darn it. Can someone help me get up?"

The birds tweeted.

"Anyone?"

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A/N: The first in a series of extremely weird one-shots. Thanks for reading, I guess.


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